You’re listening to Let’s Talk Boundaries. I’m Mary Brown, The Boundaries Coach. This is a podcast for the Go-to Girl, the nice guy, Mrs. Busy. The yes man, the people pleaser, and anyone who spends so much time taking care of everything and everybody else that you don’t have any time or energy left over for yourself. Together we will learn to overcome busyness and resent. To find freedom and contentment. I invite you to join me on this journey. This is gonna be good.
Episode one, How I Became the Boundaries Coach. I grew up in a big, huge family. We had five boys, four girls, two parents, and zero boundaries. We did things like wear each other’s clothes, eat off each other’s plate. Sign each other’s report cards. . I was especially skilled at writing my dad’s name and I could get up to $5 per signature. As you can imagine, life in a home with 11 plus people could be chaotic. When someone was upset, we were taught to stop what we were doing. Go see about them and stay with them until we made them feel. . I wasn’t usually the one who was upset. I was the kid who had to go see about them, and I got pretty good about making them feel better.
I felt responsible for their feelings. I wanted to help them, and I became a people pleaser. When I went to college, I became a resident advisor. I was so good at taking care of people that I got an award for being the best ra. I met a guy who liked me. We started dating and he asked me to marry him. So I said, yeah, in hindsight, I think I agreed to marry him because he wanted to marry me because the church community we belonged to encouraged us to get married.
And because I didn’t wanna hurt his feelings, I got some marital advice that I should try to make him happy and always put his needs first. . I did my best to try to make him happy and I always put his needs first. He also did his best to try to make himself happy, and he always put his needs first. . So I grew up in a family where I was taught to people please, and he grew up in a family where he was taught to advocate for himself.
It wasn’t just my marriage, though. I became a caregiver in most of my relationships. . I was taking care of my friends, my siblings, my teammates, my coworkers. I was constantly doing all the things that everybody else wanted me to do. In fact, I was so good at knowing what they needed that they didn’t even have to ask me.
So what was the problem? Well, anticipating everybody’s needs became exhausting, and I started to feel resentment. I was so busy taking care of everybody else, and I honestly could not understand who was supposed to be taking care of me. So the problem with not having boundaries was that I ended up resenting the people around me.