34. Harry, the Prince of Royal Boundaries: Part 2 of Harry and Meghan

Mary: Let’s talk boundaries. I’m here with my sister, chime in person. What?

Chime: I know. I love it when you’re here, Mary. 

Mary: Aw, thanks. I’m in Florida visiting extended family and my son Trey, graduated from high school last week, and so we had a second graduation party here in Florida. So grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins, we could all celebrate him and I get to stay with Chime.. What, what? So fun. It’s been so fun. Today we’re talking about Harry. Harry is the prince of boundaries. I’ve decided, 

Chime: I don’t know, I think he’s the king of boundaries. 

Mary: Maybe he’s the king of boundaries. We’ll see. We love Harry and the example of boundaries that he sets in the docuseries, and so that’s what we’re gonna dive in today. Let’s go. So Harry, Is a really good example of boundaries and I love how he talks about the reasons for setting boundaries. If you were gonna sum it up in one sentence, what would you say? 

Chime: Well, at the beginning of the docuseries, he says, it’s my job to keep my family safe. And I feel like that’s it. Mic drop. That’s the whole thing. He has such clear priorities of he wants to keep his family safe. That’s his priority, and all of his boundaries fall around that. 

Mary: Yeah, I love that he makes decisions for reasons that resonate with him. . And like within his own value system, which is essentially what boundaries are about. 

Chime: Yeah. And it all comes from love. 

Mary: Yeah. Come from a place of love. Good job, Harry. We appreciate you Harry. So let’s talk a little bit about how Harry learned to set boundaries. So what comes up for me first is like the example of his mom. 

Chime: Yeah. So I think as mom was a great example for setting boundaries, not just because she modeled boundaries, but she like made it okay to set boundaries in these difficult situations, especially around the media. Because the media really plagued her. And so in the docuseries it shows them skiing. At a ski place and the media’s trying to take pictures of them while they’re eating and skiing and having family time. And she you know, marches is right up there and was like, leave us alone. We’re trying to have family time together. Go away. Mm-hmm. And they, you know, begged for one more picture. One more, one more. Yeah. She, she’s negotiating with a toddler one more minute, you know? 

Mary: Yeah. And she clearly said no, like she said the word no to the paparazzi, which I love that example of like, just say no when something’s not okay. 

Chime: Yeah, me too. I think she did a great job. 

Mary: Yeah. Awesome. And then when his mother died, it’s the saddest thing.

Chime: I know he’s only 12. It’s like the worst thing that could happen. 

Mary: I know you guys might hear a dog barking, just listen to us instead. So when his mom died and he had that experience, it was like so difficult and complex and you know, all of the things for him. And in his family system, those images of him, like walking behind the coffin. Oh, just kind of like, I don’t know. It’s astounding.

Chime: It’s just heartbreaking. Yeah, I know. I mean, I feel like, you know, in every family there’s some, you know, pomp and circumstance around big family events, including funerals and so, you know, there’s always some parts of that, but to ask a 12 year old to walk on this whole parade behind his mom’s coffin was a lot. But you know what really struck me as the worst part? Or the most heartbreaking part was he had to comfort the mourners. So you can see him in the docu-series and there’s lots of footage of it, of he’s going around like shaking hands and saying hello to the people who are coming to mourn him or mourn her, I’m sorry and bringing flowers to the gate for them and it really just struck me at such a young age that he really was required to have duty above any sort of self care, any sort of self at all, really.

Mary: Right, right. So that was kind of the value system that he lived within is like duty comes first before you and then he went away. And went to boarding school and then he went to the military and he had some time to kind of reflect on like, how does he feel about that and what are his values? And I think that that kind of happens to a lot of us where we have a little bit of a space from the value system that we were raised in, and it gives us some introspection about what is important to me? What am I willing to do and not willing to do? And that’s where kind of our foundation of boundary setting starts to build is when we have some space to really examine what we’re willing to participate in, what we’re not willing to participate in. And he also had some dating experiences.

Chime: Yeah. Mm-hmm. He did. He dated and a lot of the girls were like, nah, I’m out.

Mary: Yeah. Because of paparazzi in the media were so intense.

Chime: I know. I don’t think I would date someone who was that famous. I totally would be one of those girls. It’s like, I’m out. I don’t care how cute you are and how nice you are. This is not for me. 

Mary: Yeah, it’s a lot, right? So by the time that he met Meghan,, he had kind of decided that safety was a priority of his and that this dating relationship, when he fell in love, that his dating relationship was worth protecting, and he decided he didn’t wanna lose her.

Chime: Yeah. Which is all kind of back to him setting priorities. You know, he prioritized her, he prioritized their relationship, and he was gonna move forward with making decisions that kept that value and priorities intact for him. 

Mary: That’s right. Awesome. So, What happens when the media becomes too much in his dating relationship with Meghan?

Chime: So it was a lot when they were dating. And I think that they both really tried to navigate it. They weren’t expecting race to be such a big part of the media coverage, and so he stepped up and he wrote a letter saying, I’m not okay with this. This is not acceptable. So I feel like he handled that well. They got married, there was lots of media coverage and he very much was you know, these are both priorities of me. My relationship with Meghan is a big priority. My family as a royal family and my duties as being royal are important to me, and he was doing both of those to the best of his ability. And so he’s managing the media, he’s managing his royal duties, he’s managing his relationship with Meghan, all of those together. 

But then there was this big pinnacle point for him where they didn’t jive together when she was pregnant. She had some serious mental health issues, including being suicidal, which is so scary and so heartbreaking, and he says in the docuseries that he handled it as, Royal Harry, you know, he put on his, that was within his royal role. Yeah. Within his royal role, which they don’t get outside help for any mental health issues. That’s kind of been a big issue in their family, and so she didn’t, even though she wanted to. But you know what I think was really amazing about that part in their history. Is that he recognized really fast how it didn’t feel good, like he wasn’t upholding his own values and what was important to him. And he broke a boundary to himself. 

Mary: Right? Yes. And I think that was the turning point for him. Where he initially responded to her mental health needs within the way that he was taught and that he was used to, and that was kind of, we don’t acknowledge it, we don’t seek treatment, we don’t necessarily get the help that we need, even when someone’s really suffering and clearly needs intervention and he regretted that decision. And he felt some guilt about that. He took responsibility for that, he discussed how, you know, he wish he had done it differently. And sometimes that’s how we learn our boundaries is by having an experience where we are not living within our value system and we feel what that feels like. And then hopefully, and Harry’s a great example of this, hopefully we look back and we examine and take a look at like, okay, well why am I feeling terrible about, about this? And what do I wanna do differently, and moving forward, what am I willing to participate in and not willing to participate in? And I think that was the time where he decided, I’m gonna choose the safety of my family every time. And if that includes seeking mental health treatment for my wife who’s struggling right now with depression and anxiety and even suicidal ideation, then that’s what I’m going to do. And so by not following the boundary or knowing the boundary the first time that it came up, then he got to choose how he wanted to move forward. And so I love that for you, Harry. Good job, Harry. I love that. Nice work Kind of learning and growing and emotional development and boundary growth there. I appreciate that. 

And so at that point, he decided he was gonna choose the safety of his family, the health of his family. And oftentimes we don’t have to pick one or the other. But in this situation, it seemed like he really did his best to kind of navigate like, okay, in this current situation, what am I willing to do and not willing to do? Where is my boundary line? And then there was these questions about like, how will I participate in my royal family and my duties as a royal and still participate in a family? And that line changed a couple of different times. Changed a few different times. It’s not like, Harry just one day decided like, I’m out. Yeah, because that’s not what happened.

Chime: And he never really picked Meghan over his royal duties. He always was trying to pick their family and his royal duties, but, when it came to keeping my family safe, that’s always his priority. 

Mary: Right. Yeah. That was the boundary for sure. Was the safety of the family, so initially they had several conversations about like, how can we have a smaller role, so we’re not like Full working royals, right? How can we have some ways that we can continue to participate, but we’re not doing all of the things, and they were in negotiations around that. And I think those are really kind of boundary negotiations. Right? And from Harry’s perspective, it seems like his role there or his perspective there was around like, okay, so safety’s gonna be the boundary. How can I continue to participate in this royal family in a way that’s gonna make sense, in a way that’s gonna serve my country in a way that’s going to honor my role in this historic family and in Britain and also keep my family safe. Right? Yeah. And so he tried a few different things. And he tried a few more things and then they negotiated and then they, they negotiated and they decided one of the options was they were gonna move to Canada. So they had this plan, they moved to Canada, and when they got there, they didn’t have security. 

Chime: Yeah, so while in Canada the plan was they were going to step down from the major royal duties and not do so much, but they weren’t expecting it ended up that they lost the royal security. So then, you know, it’s back to I have to keep my family safe. So he didn’t feel like he could be safe in Canada because at that time the media were swarming. Like they were living outside of his house, jumping over gates to try to get pictures of them. They were like, I think they were on a lake or something, and there was like a ton of boats in the water, yeah. So then they were like, okay, we have to move. Yep. Yeah. Gotta keep the family safe. 

Mary: Yes. So when the security was gone, that was it. That was the deal breaker for Harry. . And he’s like, no security. I’m out. Yeah. So he was like, No longer participating in the royal family in the way that they had kind of negotiated or talked about before. He was like, I’m moving to the us. We’re gonna kind of do things on our own. We’re gonna take a break from Royal duties at this point.

Chime: And I don’t, you know, I think it, he was just really focused on the security and safety. He was offered a safe place where he felt like they could be safe in la and so that’s what he choose. Yeah. I still think Harry’s trying to be part of the royal family. I mean, you see, even though he is not participating in the royal duties that he was before he still came to the coordination. He’s still trying to support his family but he’s still honoring himself and his personal boundaries and what’s important to him and that’s really the best, right? That’s the best you can do. 

Mary: Yep. So I love that his role at the Coronation seemed to be that of a family member. . Right? Because he is not currently a working royal. And so he didn’t have the royal regalia, but he did have, you know, military regalia and he sat with the family. And he’s he is there as an extended member of the family. And I wanna say good job, Harry. You’re teaching people who are watching all around the world how to navigate choosing the safety of your family, which was your deal breaker and your boundary, and still figuring out how to have a role within your extended family.

Chime: Yeah. Yeah. And that’s what we all do. We have to decide what’s important to us. For him it was safety. Yep. For us, it might be a different form of wellbeing that we need that maybe we’re not getting with our extended family, and so you have to you know, choose that boundary, honor it for yourself. And then the rest will just work itself out. 

Mary: Yeah. Awesome. All right, listeners, we’re going to dive into Meghan next in our series, talk all about Megan and her role as princess people Pleaser. Mm-hmm. All right. See you then.