45. Social Media Boundaries

45. Social Media Boundaries

Mary: Let’s talk boundaries. I’m here with Jade Shebelski of Maven and Muse Media, and we are talking all about boundaries with social media marketing. Thanks for being here, Jade. 

Jade: Yeah. Hi. Thanks for having me. This is an excellent topic. I love talking about this. 

Mary: Awesome. Tell us a little bit about you and what you do.

Jade: Yeah, so I am a social media manager slash content creator. So I spend hours on social media, on Instagram and LinkedIn and Pinterest specifically. So I’m the one doing all the work, writing all the captions, engaging with all the people, and making sure you stay top of mind. 

Mary: Nice. Do you like that? 

Jade: I do. I’ve been doing this for 10 years, like whole decade of the socials, and it’s just fascinating to see like how things have changed and how people have changed and how things that we say online now have changed.

Mary: Mm-hmm. Awesome. Awesome. So tell us a little bit about how come you’re interested in talking about boundaries. 

Jade: I am interested in talking about boundaries because I feel like we need more of them. Definitely like when it comes to social media, I you know, having been doing this for a long time, I have watched the human psyche actually shift. And like some of the boundaries that would be awesome is like, what young people see now on social, they think that it’s true. That it’s like real life. And I fall into this too. And I’ve been doing it a long time. And there’s times when I fall into this comparison game, like I see someone else’s feed and I’m like, oh my gosh, I need to be at that level. Or why don’t I have this kind of relationship? And it’s like I’m the curator and so I know what goes into a strategy of posting, but I fall victim to it too sometimes. And I just think like boundaries would help the mental health surrounding social media consumption. 

Mary: Yes. I love this topic. It’s fascinating to me that like as the content creator and as the social media marketer, that you also see a need for more boundaries then maybe what you’re seeing.

Jade: Yeah. I mean, so I’ll get a little vulnerable here. I wanna say like five years ago, so halfway into this, I had kind of a mental breakdown with it. I was like, I don’t look like this person. I don’t like, I don’t think this way. Like, I was really kind of trying to figure out like, where do I fit into this grid of people who all look and think the same, like why I don’t fit in there? And I kind of had a breakdown and I’m in therapy and stuff and so my therapist was like, I think you need, like, we called it a digital detox at the time where she was like, you just need to like put your phone away for a weekend and just stay off of it and get to know you again. And so a weekend has turned into, like, I do two of them a year now. I do one week off of everything twice a year now. Just because I had a breakdown as the professional, like I can only imagine what like other people go through. 

Mary: Thanks for sharing. I do appreciate that vulnerable share. And I have heard from lots of people, similar experiences where they talk about, I kind of lost touch with who I was, like I was feeling disconnected from myself. And this image of who was being portrayed online different than I perceived myself and the mental toll of that is real. It is real. It is real. And that’s what happens when we don’t have boundaries is we disconnect from ourselves.

Jade: Yeah. And then, and then we’re not showing up in any other relationship, like an in real life relationship, like we’re not in it because we’re just so weirded out from this made up world where we have to be this other person. And the made up world serves a purpose. Like, I’m not here to talk down on social media ’cause I love it. And early on I did vow to use my powers for good and not evil, which is what I strive to do with Maven and Muse.. But just like, me having to explain stuff to like my nephew, and we’ll look at videos and he’ll be like, this is real. And I’m like, it’s not, people pay me a lot of money to edit it to look like it’s real, but that’s a whole bunch of takes edited into one take. 

Mary: Hmm. Yeah, because you see the behind the scenes and the editing and all of that, the content creation.

Jade: The content creation. Yes. Right.

Mary: It’s created content. 

Jade: It is curated, created content. 

Mary: Yes. I love that. I love that idea. So let’s talk a little bit about when people who might be listening are considering boundaries in their own social media, what kinds of questions might we help them to think about? 

Jade: So one of the things I have noticed with some of my clients is when they start also, ’cause part of being my job is also like a social media therapist, right? Like you’re a coach, consultant. People come to you like, and you feel a little therapy ish during a session. And I will notice when some people start falling into like this comparison game with another business and they’re like, but we did a video similar and they got this many likes, or they got this much stuff like that’s all outer facing. You can’t see the behind. Like just because that video went viral doesn’t mean that their bank account exploded. So there’s this whole like weird thing about I have to create this content to go viral and reach all these people. And that just isn’t necessarily something to, to strive for. And I find that when you find yourself in that, it’s time to just take a minute and a pause and figure out like, okay, why is this bothering me? How can we do it different? How can we achieve the same kind of stats? 

Mary: Mm-hmm. Right. And I think anytime we become over focused on something that is not in alignment with ourselves or our businesses, then that is an opportunity for us to pause, like you said. And I really like the question of like, what’s the matter love, right? That’s what I tend to ask myself when I’m feeling that disconnection with my values or my goals, and that pause of like, really like, what’s going on here? And with curiosity, of course, not from a place of judgment or shaming, just really wanting to know what’s going on, what’s the matter? Mm-hmm. 

Jade: Yeah, like it goes back to that whole a lot of business owners feel that like, all I need to do is create content that goes viral and I’m going to make whatever amount of money that they think they’re going to make. And that’s not necessarily the case because like when something goes viral, then you are on this like tiny timeframe of having to create more content to keep the people whose attention you caught activated in your community.

Mary: Mm mm-hmm. Yes. And it’s so interesting I have a coach named Jody Moore, and she has a podcast episode about why you don’t want your content to go viral.

Jade: I know it sounds like this, you know, I mean, we live in this era right now where it’s like we want a quick fix for everything. And we want to like, do this work or, or know that marketing is a marathon. We just wanna like go viral and have all these people find out about us. But like most of the time when you go viral, it’s the wrong people who find you. 

Mary: Mm-hmm. Yes. And I do think similarly, right? I mean, there’s parallels to that in lots of areas of our lives we might want to like consistently work and increase our income until we become wealthy, or we might just wanna win the lottery. Like right? There’s a little bit of difference there. But that kind of slow and steady and consistency that pays off over time, I think there’s a lot of benefits in that. Yeah.

Jade: I mean, we all want a quick fix. Like I am guilty of wanting a quick fix for stuff too, but it’s just like sometimes it’s not possible.

Mary: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Right? Or the likelihood of that happening is so small. Sometimes it feels good just to have some fantasies about like, oh, this could happen, right? Like I, when the lottery got big last week, I was like, well, I’m gonna buy a ticket and if I win, this is what I’m gonna do, right? I’m gonna buy a big, huge piece of property and I’m gonna buy houses for all the people that I want, and we’re gonna have this compound, and everybody I love is gonna live all together and I’m gonna pay for all of it and we’re gonna go on vacation together. Like I have this great plan about how I was gonna overcome the barriers of finances that keep me from being able to like live on the property with all the people that I wanna live with, you know, and just be happy forever in my head. Right? So I get it. Like there’s this idea that this viral content or winning the lottery is going to somehow like

Jade: Solve all your problems, all the problems. All the problems are just gonna be solved. No, it just creates more. 

Mary: Yeah. So let’s talk a little bit about times when we have had to have boundaries. And I love this idea that you had a digital detox. Can you tell me a little bit more about what that was and what that was like for you and how you knew you needed it? 

Jade: Yeah, so I do ’em twice a year. I’m about to go on one at the end of this week. I do it like once, right before my busy season, and my busy season is September to New Year’s Eve. I work with a lot of product-based businesses and so holidays are coming. And then I will do one like after that, usually in March or April, kind of like a spring breaky type of thing. And what I do is it’s really, it’s fascinating. The first few days of my detox, I turn my phone off or I will have it on airplane mode and I delete the social media apps from my phone. And the first two days it seriously feels like I have the flu. It’s crazy. Like the physical sensation of not having your phone, by the end of day one and into day two, it’s like nauseous and feeling like flu-ish. But by day three, my brain is more clear, colors are more vivid. It’s truly fascinating. And then it is after the detox, getting back into the phone is slow. I tried it once where I just went all in and that just like removed any progress I’d made on the detox. Hmm. So now it’s like slowly reintroducing everything. 

Mary: It sounds like a detox diet, right? 

Jade: Yes. Yeah. 

Mary: Yeah. For folks who have done that before where you are doing like a cleanse or some kind of diet, it sounds similar. 

Jade: Yeah, it’s very cleansy and it’s like, I don’t know, by the end of it, I just feel my brain, I feel more creative. I feel that my brain is like not foggy. I don’t feel fomo like when I get back. Like I don’t go and scroll through a week’s worth of people’s stuff. I’m just like, okay, cool. They lived a week of their life and I lived a week of mine and we’re moving forward here.

Mary: Nice. Nice. What do you like to do when you’re detoxing from your phone?

Jade: So I will definitely book somewhere that does not have wifi or I go to like a spot that’s rural and has limited reception. So living here, I tend to go to the mountains. And I will deliberately book an Airbnb that doesn’t have wifi.

Mary: Nice. Nice. So I recently went on a cruise to Alaska and I’ve been on several cruises in the last couple of years, and you know, they have an internet package that people buy and the internet is kind of spotty, like it’s not very consistently great depending on where you’re at and the international waters. And there’s a sometimes a little bit of a misperception that like, well, it feels like we’re in a hotel, right? It feels like we should be, or we’re like on a resort. Right? But you really are in the, in the middle of the ocean. And so the last cruise that I was on, we were in Alaska, and I was speaking with another passenger and he was talking about contact with his child and he said, well, we bought the internet package because we wanted to be able to FaceTime our child at any time. And it just hasn’t worked. And it’s been so frustrating. And I was a little bit on the opposite end of that where I was like, you know, I intended that I was going to not have internet for this whole week, right? And it was really for the purpose of being able to be present with my son who has vacationing with, and, you know, all the cool things that there are to see you know, glaciers and whales and you know, fun things like that. And the frustration that he was communicating around not being able to utilize the internet in the way that he wanted to be able to and continue that contact. And he said something to the effect of, well, we’re seeing all these cool things every day. Like we just, you know, went into the middle of a fjord, but I can’t even post about it. Like, I can’t even go live, I can’t even post about these things that we’re seeing. And there was a little bit of, in my mind like when you’re in Alaska specifically, it’s like, it’s such 3D right? I mean, it’s hard to capture those kinds of things in 2D. I mean, sure, we took videos, right? I mean, we had our phones for really just for the purpose of capturing stuff, taking pictures, taking videos. But even the pictures and the videos, right? They don’t feel the same as when you’re there. And really I think that’s what we want most in our lives is to be in places and have memories that are bigger than we’re able to capture on my iPhone. But the different perspective of like frustration around like, well, what’s the point if I can’t share it on social media or how to navigate the feelings that you have when you are not able to be in contact with, you know, what you’re used to being in contact with. So what are your thoughts about that?

Jade: Yeah. Oh my gosh. There’s a lot to unpack there. Like my first question would be like why did he wanna like share it with everybody? Like what was the intention of that? And it just kind of reminds me of, I like to go to Red Rocks and what I find fascinating from going to Red Rocks is that during the opener, everyone will be like, present with who they’re with, right? Like they’re having a conversation, their phone is like in their bag or in their pocket or somewhere. They’re present with like whoever they went with. But then like as soon as the opener is done and the crew is like switching to like the main person that we’re all there for, the minute that first note hits Red Rocks is like blue. Like if you’ve ever been at the top of Red Rocks and you look down, everyone is watching through their phone.

Mary: Hmm. So for folks who don’t know, Red Rocks is a music venue. It’s an outdoor amphitheater where you go to listen to concerts and it’s amazing. We live in Colorado and so it’s just west of Denver anyways, so people are watching through their phones. 

Jade: Yeah. So I find this fascinating when I go out places because I am also like, since my first initial detox like five years ago, I also am very conscious, like when I am out to dinner with friends or whatever, like to keep my phone in my bag or like keep it face down because like my job is 24 7, 365, the internet never stops, but I have to consciously make that stop. And so when I started the intention of being present with things, watching people like your son and you like taking video through the fjord and then you can’t post it. But why did you want to? 

Mary: Yeah. I mean, I think there is a piece of me that felt like, oh, this is so cool. Like I want people to see how cool it is. Like if you are ever in Alaska, this is the place you should check out because it feels so cool, you know, to be there. So there’s that piece of it. But I do think why we share is a great question. Like why do we share? Is it because we wanna connect with this person that we love and trust? Is it because we want more business? Is it because we want more attention from people? There’s a variety of reasons, right? I mean, I think those are some that come to my mind initially, but being thoughtful about that. Like what’s my reason for sharing? 

Jade: Yeah. Like what’s my intent for putting this piece of content? What adding to the noise of social media, like what, what do I want? And so that is definitely a switch I made with clients in 2021 is like in 2020 when we were all just like, all we were was online. Right? That was the only way we could essentially like talk to people, it became evident that in business marketing, people just wanted to feel a part of something. They wanted to feel a part of a community. They wanted to feel understood, heard, and seen. And so in 2021, I switched, like a lot of people’s marketing to that and looked at it instead of followers as a community. And so now when we are going through the content strategy for the month, it’s, okay, well what’s our intention? Like what’s our intention of adding more to this noise? Right? Like, because we want people to stop and actually like hear what we have to say or make it worth their while. Or something like that.

Mary: Yes, yes. I love that. I love that. So one other piece that I’m thinking of as we’ve talking is like, the amount of time we spend on social media, like with your job, how much time do you spend on social media? 

Jade: A lot. I think I’m on social media at least like six hours six to eight hours a day. It’ll get like different times of the year it’s obviously more. But what’s fascinating to me is on iPhone, it sends you a screen time report on Sundays. And so when I see that consistently going up, I’m like, what am I doing? Like, is there more work or am I just, do I need more attention? Or like, what am I feeling? But yeah, I would, I do try and have like hours where it’s like between this time and this time, I am available online, whatever. But I do have a hard, my phone shuts off at nine o’clock. 

Mary: Okay. I love that. And those screen time reports, they’re eyeopening for I think all of us, right? For most of us who have received one of those. And you’re like, wait a minute. So one thing that happened to me was so I sometimes will play a meditation to sleep. So like on my Calm app, you know, the one that I like if anybody’s interested is called drifting off with gratitude. So it’s like a gratitude meditation and helps me to fall asleep. Well I got this screen time report that was like some crazy amount of hours because it had been on all night. And I was like, Mary, something is wrong with you. You cannot be on your phone for, you know, 15 hours a day. Like Yeah. But it ended up being sleep. But that’s a good question, I think for listeners to ponder is like, how much time am I currently spending and how much time do I want to be spending on my phone and for what purpose? 

Jade: Mm-hmm. And that’s essentially like how my whole business got started is because people saw how much time they were just scrolling on social, not doing business related stuff, like they were just scrolling, like dog videos and getting sucked in because if social media has done anything, like, let’s put it in air quote, “well” they have removed the clock. Like TikTok doesn’t have a clock. Like they’ve removed the clock, so you don’t know how long you’ve been scrolling dog videos. That’s essentially like how it got started is because people were recognizing how much time they were on these apps, but they weren’t actually doing any business. So then they’re like, Jade, we need you. So I essentially give people time back in their day because I’m handling that social piece for them, like they can go scroll and do whatever they want, but at least business is getting accomplished on apps.

Mary: Hmm. That makes sense. I like it. I like it. So if folks are listening that are interested, how can they find you? 

Jade: You can find me at maven and muse media.com and I’m just at Maven Muse Media. 

Mary: Nice. So for listeners, I would love maybe just like top three to five questions to ask themselves or takeaways around boundaries and social media for them. So I think so far I’m loving this question of what’s my intention? Like why am I on social media? Right? Is it because I wanna connect with people, I wanna participate in this community. I wanna see how people that I, you know, I don’t get to see in real life, I wanna kind of see how they’re doing. Or is it for a business purpose? Is it for am I buffering to avoid some kind of feeling? Am I calling it self-care? But really I’m just checking out? Like what’s my intention for the time that I’m spending here? I think that’s gonna gotta be one of those top takeaways.

Jade: I think. I think that’s like the biggest thing. That’s definitely the biggest thing I will ask people in one of my speaking talks about social media and mental health is like, what is the intention? Like, could that post have been a journal entry? Like, what are you trying to do? Because building a business on social is different, obviously, than personal. And so it’s just, what’s the intention for putting more things out into the ether? 

Mary: Mm-hmm. Yes. And then I think the next question is, How much time am I willing to spend on this? Mm-hmm. Right. 

Jade: There’s lots of apps. Like you can set the timer, like you can set Facebook to turn off after 40 minutes. Like it’ll just exit you outta the app. 

Mary: Yes. And then you can give yourself more time. 

Jade: But like if you’re doing it with the, you know, if you’ve set the timer with the intention of, okay, I do 40 minutes in the morning and 40 minutes in the evening. Hmm. And yeah, you have to be self-aware to like, but do I need 20 more? Like 

Mary: Right. To make and keep that commitment to yourself. Yes, yes. Which is how we build confidences by making and keeping those commitments to ourselves. Yeah. Okay. So then like what’s maybe a third question or area? 

Jade: I would say like if you ever start feeling like that, I don’t know what to call it, besides like imposter or not good enough, like to definitely put the phone down and sit with, why do I feel that way or like, I just want everyone to know like, you are good enough. Yeah. Your likes and follower count doesn’t make you less worthy like you are worth it. Yes. 

Mary: I love that. And I think that’s something that you and I share that value of people are born valuable. We are already good enough, and the way that we are perceived is going to change, right? Our perception of ourself is gonna change, and the way that we’re treated by other people is going to change, and that’s not going to change our actual value because we’re already good enough. We don’t have to earn our value through our likes on social media through our number of followers, our comments, even our work. That that’s kind of already a given. So I love that message. Yeah. Yeah. And then I think that when it comes to boundaries, I’m always asking myself, what am I willing to participate in and what am I not willing to participate in? And there is something about the information that we share with our families or our children that I think is an important topic here that we haven’t quite touched on yet. And I had a conversation with one of my own children, and this is a vulnerable share. I had a conversation with one of my children who said to me mom, I don’t like that you shared that about me online. Mm-hmm. And, and I was grateful that they came and told me and that they felt comfortable having that conversation with me and that it was an open dialogue. And I mean, I felt good about how I handled that. And I think that since that conversation, which was a couple of years ago, I’ve tried to be more mindful of like, this isn’t just my information. This information applies to other people and like I wonder how that’s gonna play out long term. 

Jade: Yeah. So one thing like that I do keep front of mind for personal and business is whose content is it? Right? So people like, share a lot of stuff about their kids, like personal stories about their kids. Like something that’s happened to their kid or something their kid went through. It’s like, well, whose content is it? Like the kid went through it, but you were involved and yeah, it’s fascinating and I’m really proud of your child for like sharing with you like, Hey mom, no, that’s not cool, I don’t like that. And I mean, I’ve started asking people like permission, like, can I share this story that happened to us? Like, or I’ll send them, like, if we take selfies, I’ll be like, do you approve of me putting this up? I do feel like that we have been lax on that, sharing of the things when maybe somebody doesn’t want it shared.

Mary: Yes. Yeah. Other people’s experiences. Right? And even in relation to my experience, like I think we have to understand that even people in the same space have different experiences. And so if I am sharing that this is what happened, right? You may or may not have that same experience, and if I believe that it’s something that’s, you know, worth sharing or that I want to share, you may not believe it’s something worth sharing or you may not want that to be shared. And so I do think that for me, being aware of what am I actually willing to participate and not participate in here. And then of course, photographs. That’s the other thing that I was thinking about is I personally don’t love when I see like someone sharing like candid wedding photos of like a bride and groom, and that person hasn’t given permission for that to be shared. Right? So that’s something that I’m not willing to do, and that’s something that, you know, I’m not willing to participate in because it doesn’t feel good to me. I mean, I think the person’s intention has gotta be pure. I always wanna give people the best assumptions about what their intentions are, right? They’re probably excited about this experience that they had going to the wedding of their loved one. And for me it’s not okay. I believe that that’s that person’s experience and that person’s kind of content, right, for them to be able to share. So it’s so interesting that boundaries around that, just see a ton of variance there. 

Jade: Totally, and I feel like just talking about it. Is like anyone listening who’s never thought of this before is now like, oh my gosh, yeah that’s not my content, or whose content is that. You know, because, I don’t know, I heard a quote once that said, we don’t live on one earth, there’s like 8 million versions of Earth going on at the same time, ’cause we all live in our own little world. Right. And it’s like to what you said, like you and I could be at the same event with a different experience than I have. But we were at the same thing, doing the same thing at the same time. 

Mary: Right, right. Yeah, absolutely. I love that. Okay. And then I think that my last kind of question or takeaway for listeners is are we checking in or are we checking out? Yeah. And the idea of, you know, I’m just gonna check in with social media, or I’m just gonna check in, you know, on Instagram, or I’m just gonna check in somewhere. Really are we checking in or are we checking out? And it might be yes, and it might be no, I don’t know the answer to that, but I do think that it’s a good question because self-care is about checking in and buffering is checking out. And sometimes I think we get those mixed up on social media.

Jade: Totally. Yeah. Like I will totally disassociate and just scroll through TikTok or reels, but then I’m like, oh crap, like two hours has gone by. I meant to check in, like check my client’s like comments, but here I am two hours later down the hole. 

Mary: Yeah. Awesome. Thank you so much for being here, Jade. I really appreciate this conversation and hope that folks who might be looking for social media marketing that you’ll consider reaching out to Jade.

Jade: Cool. Or even if you wanna talk about social media and mental health, I’m here too. 

Mary: Awesome. 

Jade: But thank you for inviting me on. I appreciate you. 

Mary: Have a great one.